Will You Flex For Me?

An odd request right? I remember staring at the guy in disbelief when he asked me that. I’ve always been very conscious of my arms. I used to be scared that it would intimidate whoever i was crushing on. Now I don’t care, if any man feels that my arms are too muscular, the easy thing to do is for him to start lifting!

My obsession with my weight started when I was in high school , I struggled with my weight for years. It was a vicious cycle of being happy with myself when I managed to survive on that one meal a day, (most days it was a bowl of cereal heavily laden with sugar.) Then there would be the days of self-loathing when I felt that I had eaten too much and the quick fix solution was to bring it all back up. A day turned into a week, a week turned into a month and before I knew it I was bulimic. It was easy to hide, you excuse yourself from the table just before everyone finishes eating, or you offer to help with cleaning up the table. No one ever asked any questions.

This is what I did for 3 and a half years, up until I graduated from high school, and moved to London for university, I realised that I had to work on the relationship I had with my body. I’m glad that I wasn’t too stubborn to hear God speaking to me in those dark twisted moments in the bathroom, that I needed to stop. I couldn’t carry on this way. Bulimia gave way to binge eating, and I would go through periods where I would eat healthily for a few days and then I would binge on chocolate, Kit Kats were my favourite. In 2012, I read ‘You Are Not What You Weigh,’ by Lisa Bevere and it completely changed the way I saw my body. I began to see myself as the spiritual being that God saw me as. I no longer sought to find confidence based on what I looked like, whether I was 2 kilograms lighter or if I could zip up those skinny jeans. I started to focus more on who I was on the inside and I know that sounds like a horrible cliché, but it’s what matters the most.

The less I worried about stepping on the scale, the better I felt. I started to focus on eating for energy and performance as opposed to eating for aesthetics. One method can be very detrimental and the other is healing.  The more I focused on how I could better fuel my body for performance, the less I cared about the number on the scale.

When I became a vegan, I thought that I’d finally become as skinny as I had always dreamt of being. The weight dropped but not how I expected it to. I was leaner and my body eased into a weight that I have been able to maintain without any huge effort on my part, for the past 5 years. It’s the funniest thing when people say that I look healthy. I have to stop myself from laughing or from spewing out a sarcastic comment, I mean I’m eating healthier, am I supposed to look emaciated? Or perhaps people kind of expect your muscles (and your ass,) to waste away. That didn’t happen with me. In fact if you look at any pictures I had pre-vegan days, my butt was probably just a little bit smaller…okay I’m lying, I’ve never known what it is to have a small bum…I probably never will. I have found comfort in knowing that my butt gives me that extra boost I need when I’m squatting haha, those thighs have to be good for something right? The biggest lesson that I have learnt is that I am more than the number on the scale. I’m more than a dress size or a pant size. We all are. It would be such a shame for us to go through life never realising the worth and potential that lies in us. All because we have allowed ourselves to become fixated on a number that bears no importance on who we are as people. I have found greater joy in focusing on being strong. Physically yes but most importantly mentally and emotionally

So to answer the question of whether I flexed or not…I didn’t and I kind of regret it, I mean how many more opportunities will I ever get to flex again? Or be asked to flex? Except maybe here on the blog, you guys won’t hold that against me will you?

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